I just dropped my baby girl off at a birthday party. I left her there, her first solo birthday party without anyone who knows about her difficulties. I left my phone number, walked out the door, came home and cried. 

There is a fear with letting your child spread their wings. I don't doubt that she is capable. Her teachers and I have taught her well. We have taught her how to control her emotions and behaviors. We have given her options and solutions for those difficulties that we all encounter, but which strike her in different ways, and in ways one doesn't expect. 

No, my fear comes from the incredible hurt that she has experienced when she is in the middle of her struggles, and when other kids push her to the edge, knowing she will react in an extravagant fashion. While they might get a good show and a scapegoat, Eliska is harmed because these situations further cement in her core that she is a failure, that she is someone who isn't deserving of love and respect.

My fear is not an irrational one. I have seen what other kids do to her. It has taken a lot of work to build my girl back up when kids, who are just being kids, have torn her apart. I'm torn apart right along with her. I can feel my heart crack, and break apart in slivers, when she is sobbing from the fallout of a situation with her peers. 

So I have fear, understandably. 

Thankfully, I also have trust. I trust that she knows what to do if she is pushed to the edge. While I don't know her friend's mother that well, I know she has spent time with Eliska in shared classrooms over the years, and both her and her daughter seem to really like Eliska. I trust that Eliska does have friends in her peer group who really like her. That was confirmed when I dropped her off with the excited gasps and wide eyes of one of the little girls who saw that she was there. I trust that God has a great plan for Eliska that includes the success of this party. I trust that God has put dreams in Eliska that will keep her pushing towards loving herself, and loving others. 

This trust is stronger than the fear today. And while I may come home and cry, I know that in two hours, I will go pick her up and cry because she is such a big girl, and I'm so proud of her. I am proud of all she has accomplished for herself, and I am proud of how far she has come from that tiny, angry, and scared little girl who expressed such deep self-hatred. My daughter born with a broken heart, who God is healing and making new. Thank You Jesus!   

Since I was young, the scale was my enemy. Every year, despite the opinions of others, my opinion of myself diminished, until my personal value, my self-esteem, was negative. And after the pregnancy of my first daughter, I never really lost weight. I gained, and gained, and gained.
When you don't see value in your life, what reason do you have to help yourself be healthier? 
The lower my self-esteem became, the higher my weight went up. I fed my depression and my anxiety. The beasts were hungry and I was their slave. 

Its a battle in my life to be healthy. It is one of my hardest battles.

Food: I hate it, and I love it. What others can accomplish with ease sends me into anxiety. Meal planning, shopping, trying to be creative and healthy. I hate it all. My mind shuts down. I get angry and frustrated. If I am not careful, I can slip and fall. Food shouldn't be a big deal. And most people aren't going to understand. But, sometimes, in my life, food and shame go hand in hand. 

Exercise: It sounds so good in theory. I'm great at making plans. But there are many excuses. I'm too tired. I'm too embarrassed. I don't have time. Even if you have done it for a while, it is so easy to get into the mode of not doing it. 

Fear: Is anyone else scared of a life out of control? Gaining weight, and the excessive problems that come with that? Death is permanent.

Motivation: What is your motivation for a healthy lifestyle? 

Society's standards-
     You see it everyday on most magazine covers and other media. Standing in the checkout line, all those photo-shopped faces and bodies staring out at you. Skinny models wearing so much make-up that it looks like they are barely wearing anything. Women working out, no hair out of place, sweating just enough to have that glow. You can say in your head all the time that they aren't real, but getting yourself to actually believe that is a struggle. Next to those magazines are the cooking ones. Usually they have beautiful, delicious-looking food that you are probably denying yourself because you want to look like those computerized women. Media shouts out "Here is what you should look like, but you should also be feeding this to your family." "You are doing it wrong." "You are not good enough." 

Opinions of others-
     Well-meaning comments of people who only have your best interests in mind. Shameful comments designed to encourage you to change. Careless comments that dig in deep like a shard of glass. Pulling it out leaves a trickle of blood and pain. Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me. LIE. Words are damaging and dangerous.

Health-
     High cholesterol. High blood sugar. Dehydration. Chest pains. Painful joints. Hurts to walk. Out of breath. Sick all the time. Difficulties recovering from sickness and injury. Depression. Anxiety. Stress. Stress. Stress. 

Truth: Here is the reality. As long as YOU are speaking negatively to yourself, things won't change. Your body listens to your mind. Your heart listens to your mind. And when your heart is hurting, your mind bows down. 
Your changes begin today. You start by exercising your right to speak positively about yourself. When negative thoughts enter in, smash them flat. Don't give it a chance to take up space. Immediately fill that spot with a counteractive positive thought. 

"I'm a failure." SMASH "I'm successful." 
"Ugly" SMASH "Beautiful" 
"Unloveable" SMASH "Loved and loving"
ETC.........you get the idea. 

The reality is that you are someone pretty special. You will make mistakes, like every human on the earth. Give yourself grace to fall down and get back up. Give yourself grace to learn.

I am still battling, but I know I will win this war. My struggles aren't as intense as they used to be because I had to learn how to talk to myself in a positive way. I have thirty years of garbage that was stored up. It is a difficult process, but gets easier along the way.