"The things I've experienced are with me still. I know there is more that I buried. I catch fleeting glimpses of it. Smells, feelings, scenes from a horror story. It isn't gone. For years it was rotting, eating me up from the inside out, slowly poisoning me and people around me. I knew I would die, either by sickness or suicide.
It feels like you have got it together. You've gotten to be a master at hiding it, burying it deep. You've gotten to be such a good actor. And beneath the surface, that junk is rotting. It will kill you. You try to forget it, but its still there."
I wrote this a year ago. Thank God that that wasn't the ending for me. Every day, thank You God for saving my life.
My dear friends......from my heart to yours.....hang on. Do not give up. I had everything against me. I know what its like to live in that bitter, dark place that feels absent of light and hope.
Where was God?
He was there, in the dark and evil places with me. I didn't see Him at the time. I didn't feel Him. I couldn't hear Him. I was boxed up in my coffin. You don't have to be dead to be buried.
I didn't see God working in my life until years later.
My first pregnancy, coming at a time when I didn't want to live. The counselor who suggested I leave my hometown I'd lived in for the past 19 years. The fear that motivated me to get myself and my children out of there. The one place out of five that accepted my request for a housing application. After turning in my application, I was told it would take one to two years to find us an apartment. We had one in six months.
This church family that I have grown up with in six years. There is a multitude of blessings that God has brought to me through this family. I was an adult when I moved over here, but spiritually and emotionally, I was a traumatized, fearful child, hiding in the dark, praying no one would look at her.
Thank God they looked at me. Family Life AG, thank you for looking.
My friend...God sees you. He sees where you are buried. He sees what you have lived through. He's been with you this whole time, even though you may not feel Him, see Him, or hear Him.
So....He sent me. You can see me. You can hear me. Maybe you can feel me. Thank God for what He has brought me out of. I look back at my messy past and I'm THANKFUL that what I have endured enables me to reach out to you.
God has given me the gift of words. I use them to reach my hand out. My friend...I know you are hurting. I know you are scared. I know you don't want to be seen. I know you don't trust. I know you are bruised, bloody, broken into pieces.
My friend....I don't have tape for you. I don't have glue. But I know Someone who fixes broken hearts. I tried for years to put myself back together, and it did not work. It doesn't. It won't. When you are ready to start this journey, I'm here, with my Healer, my Father, my Comfort, my Peace. Message me.
Thank You, God.
Who knew, that one day I would be looking back on all these traumatic experiences and thanking You for them?
Thank You that witnessing domestic violence as a child would give me a heart for those haunted and bruised at the hands of their abusers.
Thank You that being a victim of rape would teach me to speak up, speak out, and offer healing to others with my story.
Thank You that being a single mother would teach me to rely completely on Your provision and Your care.
Thank You that all of these things that taught me not to trust, You have used to teach me to trust YOU.
Thank You for giving my back my voice and my words.
We might be in different places, but all of us are on a journey.
Leah's Life Verses