|360 Degrees of Transformation||
It is exhausting always putting myself out there. I share my thoughts, feelings, emotions, struggles, insecurities, and triumphs with anyone who has access to the internet. It requires so much care to make sure that what I post is going to be appropriately interpreted by the majority. Sometimes I make mistakes in what I say, or sometimes the minority misinterprets it. Then the work begins to smooth the situation out. Sometimes people are very easily offended, and instead of trying to look at the situation, at the words, at the intent, they respond in anger.
I have gotten better at responding to the anger calmly in order to explain the true meaning of what I have said. To try to mend the hurts of the other party, even if I was not the one to cause it in the first place. It requires so much energy to hold my own hurt, anger, and frustration at bay. But throwing anger at an already tense situation is asking for a disaster to happen. People will get badly hurt, and in a world of injured people, we don't need any more casualties.
There is a saying: "Hurt people hurt people." This is very true. But causing more hurt doesn't heal us. It only debilitates us further. I work so hard not to let the words and actions of others cause me to compromise my own emotional health. If I let that happen, it will send me into a spiral of depression and spiritual weakness. I can't afford to let that take control of my life anymore. But my head gets very tired, and my heart gets hurt. And I have to hide. I have to cry. I have to give myself grace to pull back and take care of myself. To let those cuts in my heart heal.
People are important to me, but I don't do well in social settings. I have trouble carrying on conversations unless I know the person really well. It is exhausting for me to be around people. I notice a lot more details than the average person, and I hear more than what the average person is saying. So I tend to know more about what is really happening, or what they are really feeling. It requires constant active work on my part to carry on conversations or interact with other people. I don't want to just blurt stuff out without considering the effect it will have on the other person. Therefore, it requires so much mental and emotional energy, and it takes a toll on me after a while.
I can no longer be broken. I am unbreakable, because God has made me new. But I can get weary. Every day I must draw my strength from Him. Every single day, ever single hour, sometimes every single minute or second. I used to try to regain strength from my own empty well. Or I tried to gain it from the empty wells of others. But instead, I fell in. I used to live a numb life. It was so easy to retreat to the dark and empty place inside of myself, where I couldn't hear anyone and I couldn't feel anything. I was disconnected. It didn't feel safe, but it was the least painful option. People couldn't hurt me. But it was dangerous to be there. A person can get permanently lost inside themselves. I knew I wanted help, and I needed it. But I didn't know how someone could help me. I didn't know what to ask. It has taken me a lot of years to get out of that dark hole, and more years to get rid of it. I have finally let God fill it with His Spirit.
I still struggle with the hurts inflicted on me by myself and others. This time, though, I won't retreat, and I won't give up. I have a responsibility to help the others who are hurting. I take it seriously. So I will keep going, and I will keep putting myself out there. I will keep interacting with hurting people, and I will encourage them to fill up with God. And when I need to, I will take a rest to heal, and fill up my empty well from God's unlimited spring of life.
We might be in different places, but all of us are on a journey.
Leah's Life Verses