I Came Home and Cried

I just dropped my baby girl off at a birthday party. I left her there, her first solo birthday party without anyone who knows about her difficulties. I left my phone number, walked out the door, came home and cried. 

There is a fear with letting your child spread their wings. I don't doubt that she is capable. Her teachers and I have taught her well. We have taught her how to control her emotions and behaviors. We have given her options and solutions for those difficulties that we all encounter, but which strike her in different ways, and in ways one doesn't expect. 

No, my fear comes from the incredible hurt that she has experienced when she is in the middle of her struggles, and when other kids push her to the edge, knowing she will react in an extravagant fashion. While they might get a good show and a scapegoat, Eliska is harmed because these situations further cement in her core that she is a failure, that she is someone who isn't deserving of love and respect.

My fear is not an irrational one. I have seen what other kids do to her. It has taken a lot of work to build my girl back up when kids, who are just being kids, have torn her apart. I'm torn apart right along with her. I can feel my heart crack, and break apart in slivers, when she is sobbing from the fallout of a situation with her peers. 

So I have fear, understandably. 

Thankfully, I also have trust. I trust that she knows what to do if she is pushed to the edge. While I don't know her friend's mother that well, I know she has spent time with Eliska in shared classrooms over the years, and both her and her daughter seem to really like Eliska. I trust that Eliska does have friends in her peer group who really like her. That was confirmed when I dropped her off with the excited gasps and wide eyes of one of the little girls who saw that she was there. I trust that God has a great plan for Eliska that includes the success of this party. I trust that God has put dreams in Eliska that will keep her pushing towards loving herself, and loving others. 

This trust is stronger than the fear today. And while I may come home and cry, I know that in two hours, I will go pick her up and cry because she is such a big girl, and I'm so proud of her. I am proud of all she has accomplished for herself, and I am proud of how far she has come from that tiny, angry, and scared little girl who expressed such deep self-hatred. My daughter born with a broken heart, who God is healing and making new. Thank You Jesus!