Questioning and Hearing God

I know it has been a long time since I wrote anything. Sometimes, the words are hard to share.

Recently, something huge has happened in my life. Something that I heard clearly from God. He challenged me to, once again, share with my best friend the love I have for him. 

Seven years ago, God told me to do this, but I didn't listen. Neither did he. This time, my friend responded that he, too, loved me. Instantly, it felt like a switch flipped in my heart, and the love I had turned off years ago came back in full force. 

"How sweet!" some people might say. Others might warn against allowing this relationship to happen. Let me tell you why. This man, the one whom I love, is my ex-husband, the father to my daughters. Despite my years of praying for him to be out of my life, because it was painful, God didn't remove him, but He did flip the switch off....for a time. During that time, we remained friends, and God worked on both of our lives. 

Since then, I've looked for red flags, and tried to consider the opinions of others. The reason is that I wanted to be sure that God put us together. My continued conclusion is that even after the turmoil we encounter, or, rather, I encounter, the end result is the same. I love him. He is the one I love. He loves me in a way I've never felt loved, besides by God. 

He is 100% sure that he loves me, and wants to be with me. I question him all the time. I say "Are you sure?" and "How do you know?" I am satisfied with his answers. I am honest with him, unlike I have ever been before with a person, and it scares me so badly. To be honest with your feelings and emotions is to make yourself vulnerable for someone to come in and stomp all over your heart.  I tell him that I am nervous. I tell him when I have doubts. I tell him when I am fearful. He tells me that it is okay, and that he will be patient. He tells me he will remind me that he loves me, and why, whenever I need him to. He doesn't lie to me, or tell me things I want to hear. 

We have had quite a few discussions, and we don't always agree, but we always talk it out, and let God speak to us, and resolve it. That's all we can do with our messy past. Let God redeem us, and let Him redeem our relationship. 



Like I said earlier, I have encountered negative and positive feedback regarding this re-connection. Mostly, people are happy for me, for us. However, there are a few people who think I am making a mistake. 

I encountered a situation where I was judged unfairly....by men, no less. Men who don't know me. I wasn't able to get clarification as to what thing I had done that was so wrong, so I just let it go, and walked away. 

But at home, I became a wreck. As I sit here, my eyes are puffy, and I have a crazy headache that makes me sick. I lost my appetite, my stomach is in knots, and those old fears resurfaced. Those dark, self-mutilating fears. 

Tonight, I became that small, terrified, violated girl. I second-guessed my relationship with God, I second-guessed that I was hearing His Voice. I second-guessed that I was His child, His princess. I second-guessed that I was valuable enough for redemption and transformation. And it was because of fear. Fear based on a couple sentences from some man, and the sharing of my private confidences from someone I was supposed to trust. 

I was talking with the girls' dad tonight, the one I love. He said to me that something bigger had happened, because I wasn't the confident Leah he knew. I understood what he was saying, but I didn't know what had happened. How could a short conversation lead to the quivering and self-destructive mess I became later? 

I thought and thought, and then it came to me. Because of that interaction, and because I learned of the betrayal of my confidence, and then learned that these two men wanted to have a meeting with me to discuss their problem with me, I was reminded of the other times in my life where I was overshadowed, bullied, and ensnared.

The first time I remember strongly was when my boss called me in to work on my day off, in order to have me committed to the psychiatric hospital. The second time is when I was bullied and threatened into signing legal paperwork by three men, none of whom were on my side, one of whom had date raped me.

The one whom I love also asked me why I never get angry. Its simple...getting angry always hurt me worse than the person I was angry at. I was the one who suffered. So, I shut down, and I hide. Its safer. 

I think about the conversation I had tonight with the one I love. It took me a long time to share with him. I was scared. I was scared he would be angry with me, I was scared he would decide he didn't want to deal with this mess. But God says to trust Him, so I do, and I eventually tell the one I love my hidden fears and feelings and thoughts. And he responded in a way that soothed my heart.

He hasn't disappointed me. He knows what to say to me. He knows how to respond to me. His delivery isn't always perfect, but neither is mine.

I keep questioning God. "Lord, my God, is he the one? Is this truth? Can I trust him? Is it safe to love him again?" And, sometimes immediately, but sometimes not, God will answer. "Yes, beloved. Trust me." And I'm going to go with that.