|360 Degrees of Transformation||
There are some moments when life simply sucks! I love God, and I am not angry at Him, or in denial about His existence. But He never promises that life will be easy. Some days it just sucks. Some weeks life just sucks! I can complain and complain all I want, but what will that solve? It won't solve the problem at all! It won't bring me sympathy (which I'm not looking for anyways). I'm not looking for someone to solve my problems. Believe me, if they were solvable right now I would take the easy way out.
No. NO NO NO! Life does not work that way! Believing in God is not a one-way ticket to wonderful days and happy bliss. Live is messy, full of sin, and difficult. So difficult sometimes that people actually kill themselves to get away from it.
My special needs child is driving me somewhere I don't like to be. Every time that I ask her to do something she doesn't want to do, she comes back with how horrible I am. I am dumb. I am rude. I am a terrible mother. I'm fat, etc. Now, if I had a partner that told me all those things, that would be verbal abuse. My child calls me that, and while that isn't automatically recognizable as verbal abuse, IT IS! My special needs child sometimes treats me like crap! I am exhausted from it! If I hear that whiny and angry voice one more time I may just jab a stick in my ear.
I've been hearing from others how I am the parent and I need to take charge. Great! I would love to! I would love to in a second! Do you know how many times I have told her I am not all those things she says I am? How many times I have given her consequences and she only gets worse? I've told others, because I've experienced it myself, that it gets worse before it gets better. My history with her has been worse, and its gotten better than it has ever been, but now it is a new playing field, and now I am tired. I am at that point where I don't care what she's doing as long as she is staying away from me and keeping her mouth shut. I love my kid. I really do. I've proved that over and over. But I don't like her sometimes.
Here's the second sucky thing about that. I have spent all of our savings on this "service" dog for her. I paid for him, got him neutered (because that is the responsible thing). I've had his medical issues treated (because that is responsible and he should't live like that). I've been walking him twice a day. He's been getting an attitude with me, and sometimes I'm scared of him, even though I think he's just being playful or rebelling. So, not only is my special needs daughter treating me like crap, her special needs service dog is treating me like crap. It is unfair, but some days I don't like him either. And sometimes, I want someone else to take the ungrateful, verbally abusive child and the rebelling dog for a walk!
I feel like screaming sometimes. And crying. God gave me all these gifts. He's answered prayers left and right. He's provided for us financially and physically and emotionally and spiritually. But sometimes I'm just worn down and I need to write this all down before I go crazy...AGAIN!
Life sometimes sucks.
I am on a road of baby steps, backward steps, answered prayers, disappointments, and waiting periods. I KNOW, without a doubt, in my heart, soul, and mind, that God has got my back. But sometimes things still suck. Sometimes I'm tired. Sometimes I'm worn down and I can't hear my precious Savior's assurances. Sometimes I'm so tired that I can't see ahead that He has something better for me, and I must travel through this dark and horrid wilderness to get to it. Sometimes He's carrying me but I still feel like I'm crawling along on bleeding hands and knees.
I've been in worse places.
So, now that I've complained to you, let me tell you that I know that sometimes life sucks, and I know what it is to be just sick of the things that God takes us through so we can be better. Sometimes I throw a fit, and need to cry to Him about how much I'm sick of it all, and ask Him for the good God things to come quicker. Here's the difference, though, that I noticed today. I cried out to Him knowing that I didn't have to feel GUILTY or SHAMEFUL or AWFUL or UNGRATEFUL for telling Him how I really feel. He wants me to tell Him how mad I am, even if it were at Him, and how tired I am, and how hurt I am. He wants to hear ALL OF IT! Every last miserable, stinky, complaining detail. The point that we can do that is when we know that we really do trust Him and believe that He loves us and wants to give us grace.
Ah! I am covered with grace. Beautiful grace. Live-giving grace that ONLY comes from God. Oh Jesus, without your grace I am nothing. But sometimes things still suck, and the situations we are in are still difficult. I know this attitude and complaining and exhaustion and hurt and insecurity and backwards steps won't last. But right now it is here. And it is in your life sometimes, too. And I know exactly what it feels like. And I won't sugarcoat it because that isn't fair to you. This, too, shall pass. GOD promises, and I encourage you to talk to Him about it.
Life sometimes hurts. Right now, I am hurting. Its my birthday tomorrow, and I should be celebrating. My kids are doing better, and I am doing better, than we all have in a long time, but I am hurting. The enemy is digging in hard! He's throwing poison arrows at me, and tripping me. Hah! Keep going, satan, you little worm, because I know the end game, and you lose.
So, some good things, among the hurts. I had an insecure and hurting moment with a friend, and that was cleared up because God is good. I received some anonymous school supplies for my girls (I suspect I know who it is from), and I rejoice because this beautiful and precious person or people listened to God's whisper. We had a good day today, with a dear friend, because God is good. My kids have cleaned their room, after I asked God to intervene (this is a MIRACLE!), because God gives grace. It is my birthday tomorrow and I get to finally meet my niece and nephew and see my family (HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME!), because God answers prayers. Yesterday, some INCREDIBLE NEW friends helped me get a handle on getting my apartment in an organized and clean matter (this is two good things in one) because God is love. And the last one, but never final, is that God is there for me, every second. He's been in my past, He's walking in my present, and He's waiting in my future. He's so patient. He's so gracious. He is love.
I can't even explain completely to you what a life-transformation you can have only through Him! I can only live my life, with its sucky moments and its miracles, and rejoice in every single triumph and every single miserable moment, that God is available to each and every one of us.
My moments sucks sometimes, THANK YOU LORD! I praise YOU! Because without You my life would be deadly, empty, and dark, even if it was perfect.
Please feel free to ask me questions. The stuff I have gone through has drawn me closer to God. I don't want to hide it away because then what is the point of it if not to show you about the real God?
We might be in different places, but all of us are on a journey.
Leah's Life Verses